Forgiveness. What comes to your mind when you hear that word? Does it bring to your mind hurt and pain, or freedom and redemption? Do you first think of whom in your life you need to forgive, or those you need to ask forgiveness from?
Forgiveness is scary. Forgiveness represents a broken relationship, pain, and a wrongdoing in some capacity. None of us can walk through life without coming face-to-face with it. Some of us can’t go a day.
In the church, a child learns the forgiveness lesson early on. But we can be taught what forgiveness is without experiencing it first hand.
I’m not talking about the times when you stumble into a bad situation, you lose focus, and things don’t turn out well. I’m talking about when you deliberately go down the wrong road knowing that what you are doing is wrong, yet you choose to do it anyway.
I spent my childhood in the church. Every Sunday and Wednesday I was there for as long as I can remember. I learned about Jesus, memorized Bible verses, and strived to do all the right things. Overall I was a pretty good kid- from the outside. But deep down inside, my heart was full of selfishness, bitterness, and contempt toward God. I put so much focus and energy into looking good on the outside- saying the right things and doing what others expected, that there became a disconnect between my outward behavior and my heart’s condition.
I could tell someone else the right answer; I just couldn’t do it for myself.
A cold, hard heart can only be hidden for so long before it begins affecting your outward behavior. By age sixteen, filth and wickedness started to spill out of me. I tried to hide it the best I could, but the more I tried to cover it up, the worse things got. Unhealthy relationships began to wreak havoc on my mind and my heart. I had developed a habit of lying so easily that I didn’t even know what the truth was anymore.
When my seventeenth birthday came around the following year I found myself at the bottom of what felt like a deep, dark pit. That night I ran away from my own birthday party escaping the mess I created around me. Some may have described it as fun; it was a party after all. But disgusted better describes the way I felt that night.
The worse part about it all was that I knew what I was doing. I knew it was wrong, and I had no excuse. From deep in the pit where I sat, the light was barely visible. I felt like an utter failure.
How do I get out of this mess, I thought to myself.
As summer approached, I started to get back up. I wasn’t sure yet where I was going or what to do, but I knew staying where I was, wasn’t getting me anywhere. That summer God started speaking to me. It felt strange at first; I wasn’t used to hearing from Him this way. I just knew it wasn’t coming from me.
I sensed God saying to me, “Let me forgive you”.
I responded, “NO, I don’t deserve it!” and I kept on going, trying to find my own solution.
Like I mentioned earlier, I knew what forgiveness was. I understood God forgives those who don’t know that what they’re doing is wrong. I just had a hard time accepting it for myself. I was without excuse; I knew better. I knowingly violated His Word. There had to be some sort of penance I could do, something to fix what I had done.
I spent the remainder of the summer running from God, but aware of what was necessary. I felt shame, I felt embarrassed, I felt unworthy. I just couldn’t do it.
Finally, at the end of the summer, I caved. I tried in my own strength and kept coming up short. During a high school worship service, I relinquished my will to His will. I cried out to God and received His forgiveness.
I began a new relationship with God that day; this time like none I had ever experienced before. For the first time I felt true forgiveness, experienced freedom, and realized I didn’t have to maintain perfection to be loved and accepted by God. I’m not sure why it took me so long; looking back I should have run to Him a whole lot sooner. If I would have, life may have turned around sooner than it did.
The cross represents forgiveness.
Jesus stepped out of heaven, lived a perfect life, and died on a cross on our behalf. He conquered death and because of his resurrection, we can be restored to Him, and can experience a personal relationship with the Living God.
He offers forgiveness.
For everyone.
No matter what they have done.
But we must receive it.
He won’t force himself on anyone.
Are you walking around with past baggage, pain, and shame? Don’t let 2012 go by one more day without running to the One who can do something about it. You will never do enough to make things right. Jesus did, and is willing. Run to Him, cry out to Him, and experience the life He offers.
Mandy is a member of South Bay Church in Santa Clara, where her husband Filipe serves as Associate Pastor. SB Church meets on Sundays @ 9am, 1015am, and 1130am at Don Callejon School (4176 Lick Mill Blvd, Santa Clara, CA 95054). They would love the chance to host you at any one of those services!
You can also follow Mandy at her personal blog Mandy Santos, and get a deeper look into her daily life as a wife, mother of 3, aspiring writer, and leader in her community.
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